In some ways, summer in Taiwan is cruel. In June, it rains practically every day. The worst part is, on some days it starts off extremely nice and sunny, and by the time we get out of class it immediately starts pouring rain, as if it is deliberately feeding off our hopes and expectations and using them against us. Taiwan weather can be quite a tease.
Starting in July, things heated up, quite literally, without much warning. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've been able to sleep at night without turning on my air conditioner. Ideally, I'd like to save on my electric bill, especially since I'm not working right now, but it's just not possible with this kind of humidity.
Not to mention, 90% of the people I know have found one or more cockroaches in their bedroom and/or apartment. Taiwanese cockroaches are no joke, man. They're twice as big as any cockroach I've seen in the States (and this is on AVERAGE), and the worst part is, some of them can fly, thereby making them that much harder to kill (as if they really needed that extra boost of immunity). I know this firsthand because I saw one fly from my desk to the spot on my wall right above my bed. It was freaking terrifying, mostly because this cockroach was gigantic and had alien-looking antenna. I feel a little sick just thinking about it. Needless to say, I was so traumatized for the rest of the night that I couldn't fall asleep, thus starting another vicious cycle of being really tired during the day, unable to resist the innocuous daytime nap, and then not being able to sleep at night...which has done wonders for my studies, let me tell you.
Taiwan has more cockroaches than any country I've been to. I swear, I never once saw one while living in Japan. My Japanese friends doubt this claim, but really, other than the annoyingly loud cicadas that always seemed to be floating above your head, there wasn't that much to fear in Japan bug-wise. I think it's because Taiwan is so hot during summer. Even if you live on the 7th floor and don't have much food in your room, cockroaches make their way in, man. And once you see one in your bedroom you kind of can't forget the sight, even if you've managed to eradicate it. Hence the insomnia and late nights and being so tired in class that 3 hours feels like eternity...
In some ways I'm glad that summer in Taiwan, and therefore my time in Taiwan, is ending, but of course deep inside I know I'm sad as well. If not sad, then at least nostalgic. Was one year enough? When I first arrived, I would have said no, one year is way too short, for both my language and personal goals. But now I have an inkling that maybe one year was just right. Around the 9-month mark I started getting a little antsy about staying. Which is not to say that my Chinese has reached the level of fluency that I was originally aiming for, but hey, how accurately can we judge fluency anyway? I would say that my Chinese now is pretty good. Compared to what it was 11 months ago, I would say it's more than pretty good. Of course it could always be better, I could have done better in a lot of ways, but all in all, not bad for a year's worth of study. To someone who has never studied Chinese before, I'm pretty sure I can sound fluent (or at least that's what I like to tell myself).
I used to think that everything in life happened for a reason, because it was easier to believe that than to believe that shitty things sometimes happen to good people for no real reason at all. From the way that things are progressing now (a poor choice of words, in many a sense), it seems like shitty things often happen to good people, which serves no higher purpose than to put life into perspective for the living. Too many lives cut short for no reason at all. So I've revised my thinking a bit. Or should I say, my thinking has revised itself. I am the passive bystander in a mountain of quicksand, not sure whether I should be looking up at the sky or down at the ground, not even sure if it really matters.
Not everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes things just happen. Good things, bad things...when I read the news now, it seems to be overflowing with the deaths of people I'll never know, in every corner of the world. I hate to admit it, but this is having more of an effect on me and my mental state than ever before. I know they're isolated events, I know that shit happens, I know that death is inevitable, but these stories, for whatever reason, sink into my consciousness and refuse to let go. As they should, because as much as it scares me sometimes, I am part of humanity. I am also capable of doing the same atrocious things that I often read about. They ('they' being the writers and reporters, the deliverers of bad news) like to call these acts "inhumane," but in some ways they're very humane, perhaps more humane than anything we could dream of, since only humans are capable of doing them.
I don't want to lose hope. I don't want to spend so many hours every day being sad about things I have no control over. But every time I turn on the computer, there's something horrible waiting to be acknowledged. How are we supposed to deal with an overflow of information, most of it negative? Ignore it and be ignorant (but not blissful; I know, I've tried) or take it in and be satiated with emotion that is often more destructive than productive? I don't know how to channel information in a positive, or even neutral, way, anymore. It's as if everything I read immediately becomes a post-it that I can't tear off; even if I look another way, I know it's still there.
